Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
