something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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