my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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