she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
