My room smells like vodka and shame
Can Purell be used as lube?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
