your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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