did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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