I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
