i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
