I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You should frame my arrest warrant.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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