bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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