cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you win again, gameday.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
