hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
