the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
