i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
