I wanna bring you to show and tell
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
