Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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