a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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