just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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