i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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