Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
