this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
