If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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