I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
