Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
