....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
