Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
