I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
