So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
