The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
