I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
