The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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