my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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