I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
