I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I want to fling myself into the sun
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
