I'm eating all of the evidence.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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