I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
vagina is talking i cant
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
