Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
