Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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