I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
