i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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