So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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