She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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