dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
