Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
