WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
this is an emotional support booty call
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
