I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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