my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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