just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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