I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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