How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Everything about him screamed your future.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Randomize
